Friday, January 28, 2011

The Life Of A Writer ...

Who comes up with the most pretentious titles imaginable? This guy.

This really has almost nothing to do with the so-called "Life Of A Writer", so much as it does with An Unemployed Writer Who Only Wants To Write But Can't Because There's No Money In It.

I recently joined a freelance writing site, and the bids for jobs that I would do are astoundingly high. Even when I try to undercut my fellow unemployed writers by taking a few hundred dollars off the lowest bid, I can't because there are apparently rules to bidding.

Every day, I sit at this desk, write (various things; scripts, video game freelance work, etc.) and I stare at this (poor quality picture ahead):

That's a bottle of antacids next to stacks of books that are supposedly geared toward helping me sell my screenplays. And Watchmen by Alan Moore.

Spoiler Alert: They don't work.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Saving "Reach"!

Last night, I made it a semi-late night after having dinner with my beautiful fiance and our friend Ryan, who is a fantastic vocalist, dancer, and performer. We played some games, Karaoke Revolution, for example.

The turning point of the night, however; was when Ryan admitted he was a "Halo" virgin. Not accepting this, I popped in Halo: Reach, arguably the best game in the franchise. We made it through a bunch of levels, Ryan getting progressively better (he's a fairly vicious sniper, I must say), until finally, with exhaustion, we gave up right as The Covenant began striking back at the UNSC's facilities on Reach, much to Jorge's dismay.

Oh, Jorge. I love you.

Anyways, it was nice popping Ryan's gaming cherry. He's a solid player, and hopefully, we'll be able to finish the campaign together.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Company Men ...

The Company Men

Written and Directed by John Wells

This movie pulled me in different ways. On the one hand, I adore the cast. On the other, I hate corporate stooges. Which is what everyone in this movie is. Except for Kevin Costner, who is a blue-collar hero in the truest sense, a role he should play more often.

I found myself simply not caring about any of these somewhat selfish men in suits. These are the enemy, as far as I'm concerned, and while that is purely my hippy side coming out and raging against Corporate America, I am also jealous of the things these guys have. Porches. Huge houses. High-paying jobs.

I'm a writer, for God's sake. Unless I come up with something that makes me the next Stephen King, I'm always going to be middle of the road, money-wise. Right now, my job situation sucks, so my complete lack of care that Ben Affleck, with his $850,000 house and Porsche has lost his job means nothing to me.

Another character, Chris Cooper, a 30-year corporate vet, loses his job and is facing difficult monetary times. If you work somewhere for thirty years and are living beyond your means without a few years of cushion to help you should you find yourself expendable, then that's your problem, I'm sorry.

Finding jobs is not easy. This movie points that out. I'd give anything to have had my beautiful fiance' with me to show how shitty the job market is right now, if only to get her to understand what I go through every day. I would never compare my abilities to that of someone as highly trained as Ben Affleck's character and his MBA and 12 years of corporate experience, however; I can relate to the young guys trying to make their way.

It's hard for me to rate this movie. My knee-jerk, anti-corporate reaction is to pan it, but the acting and overall story is fantastic.

I'll go middle of the road and hand it three out of five stars.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Game Dev Story ...

So video games are important to me. I've mentioned this before.

Game Dev Story is a game for the iPad, iPod Touch (my platform), iPhone, and Android that is all about running a video game company. Here's a video review from two tools.

I have spent hours in this game, building a company with the ridiculous name Ape USA Studio (very influenced by these guys), my company initially focused on making shooter games starring robots in a dystopian future, then moved into the handheld sector, creating casual games for all ages to pick up and play, while also releasing the occasional action/rpg/shooter game starring Samurais, Robots, Ninja, or Pirates.

You'll never understand how much fun this game is, so I suggest trying out the "Lite" version first. The game only costs around three or four bucks, and already, I've played it more than some of my 360 games. It's truly a phenomenal game with a lot of love poured into it's creation.

I never thought I'd pimp an iPod Touch game. Jeez.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Fuku-San!

There was a time where I didn't play video games. That time existed in high school and lasted a few years. I had played video games my entire life, and yet, I wasn't into them anymore. I started with simplistic computer games, moves onto an Atari (my brother and sister's Atari, mind you), then it was Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo, Playstation, Nintendo 64. It was around this time, the Playstation 2 dropped and I lost interest.

I can't say why exactly. It just seemed silly to me at the time. Video games were kids' stuff, right? It was 1999 or so, and I didn't give a damn anymore. Sega was about to unleash the greatest video game system of all-time on our collective asses, on 9/9/99, no less, and I still didn't care.

At this time, I coming into my own with my literary and film-land heroes. David Lynch and Bret Easton Ellis were taking up my brain space and names like Hideo Kojima and Shigesato Itoi didn't mean much to me anymore.

At a friend's house one day, when the Dreamcast was on it's way out, sometime in 2001 (pre-9/11, mind you), I played this famous Sega system. The game was Crazy Taxi, a masterwork of racing and excitement that still gets my blood pumping when I happen to flip the Dreamcast on and play it, hearing Offspring blasting through my television speakers. I even dyed my hair green, that's how obsessed I became with this game. It's hero, Axel, was like a god to me. I don't know why. He would be my first video game man-crush.

The Dreamcast was my reintroduction to the world of gaming. The system was dying, however; and would soon see its games drying up, as well as seeing third-party support vanish. A shame, really, because the system did every genre justice. The 2K sports games were revolutionary on the Dreamcast, as were so many 2-D fighting games, like my all-time favorite, Street Fighter.

In reality, though, it was one game that would become one of my three all-time favorites. That game was called Shenmue. There wasn't a single thing wrong with the game, though, of course, many would find faults with it years after release. The game was cinematic in a way no other game has been since. The music was pure magic. I make this promise now, should I ever be given a sum of money to make any kind of film or piece of entertainment I desire, I promise it'll be a Shenmue film.

The story is simple, really, a young kung-fu expert's father is murdered by a mysterious assailant, who is seeking some kind of "mirror" that will be used to give him mystical abilities to make himself nearly immortal. That's the basic gist. Along the way, your lead character, Ryo, uncovers mysteries, gets into fights, gets a job, and swears vengeance for the death of his father. A simply perfect revenge story where the game ends on a massive cliffhanger.

A sequel was released on the XBOX, but I never beat it. I don't know why. I'm a fool, I know.

Maybe one day, we'll get the final installment to the Shenmue franchise, Maybe Ryo will avenge his father. Maybe he'll become a victim, as well, in a beautiful twist of fate by Yu Suzuki, creator of the game.

So, thanks to Shenmue, my thirst for video games was renewed. An epic, cinematic journey from a small city in Japan to China. I promised myself that one day, I would visit the real region that Ryo Hazuki is from. I would set foot in a traditional dojo. I would attempt a move he makes. Any move. It doesn't matter which.

I'm such a geek for this game, it's unbearable. I'd even want the hero's leather jacket, if I could get it.
I could always make one, like this dude.

Oh Shenmue, you ruined me.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

More like Anne Hag-A-Way?

Anne Hathaway is supposedly playing Catwoman. Catwoman, a super heroine who is busty, sexy, and all-around juicy, to be played by a waif with the largest mouth this side of Julia Roberts.

This doesn't work for me. I said the same thing when this guy was cast to play this guy, and while I was absolutely wrong on this subject, I still stand by my trepidation.

I launched "The Heath Ledger" experiment to document my findings in regard to determining whether the late Ledger would be a solid Joker, the Clown prince of Crime. I ended up finding that he would be fine. In reality, he turned out to be incredible.

Maybe Anne Hathaway, someone who's past has crossed with Ledger (she was in Brokeback Mountain) will bring the same veritas to the role, but I still have my doubts. Her acting ability is "solid", however; she's just not sexy enough.

That said, Tom Hardy is too sexy to play Bane, so, whatever. This cast baffles me.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Thanks for the book, now my table is steady!

There was a show called "The Walking Dead", which everyone got hard for, mostly because it had zombies in it. I love zombies as much as the next schmuck, however; this show didn't work for me overall. I realize it ended a while back, but I just wanted to get my feelings out there on this subject. "The Walking Dead" comic book is weak. The show is just about as weak. Now, there's going to be a video game.

The problem with zombies is that there are only so many stories we can watch about the deterioration of society with only so many variations and takes on a theme. How many more times can we watch people tear up and lose themselves in the face of apocalypse. It's the new 9/11 allegory and it's lame. After all, zombie films reached their peak with Day of The Dead, the greatest zombie masterpiece of all-time. And if there's any itching for a zombie game, there's Left 4 Dead and it's sequel.

The reorganizing of my dvd collection today was a fiasco. I have too many, it's unbelievable. At least over two thousand, for sure.

Ugh, the price of loving film.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Welshmen everywhere!

I've been writing a lot lately, and it has amounted to a video game proposal, and multiple articles and blogs. I haven't done any writing for myself in a while. While this blog is certainly for me, it's for anyone who reads and subscribes, as well. Typically, my screen and stage writing is for me.

I haven't written either in a while. I made a pledge that I would have two complete scripts finished by Summer of this year, and I will absolutely meet that deadline, considering one script has been finished forever, and the other is about 90-pages deep.

I feel like I bore the piss out of people when I write about writing, but I guess it's no different than someone writing about drawing or painting, except I can't share my pieces with anyone until I copyright them.

My video game proposal is something that keeps rolling around in my head, and it excites me a great deal. I see it as a multiple-platform experience, meaning not simply XBOX 360 or PC, but also an on-line, website-based experience. An interactive comic or short film used as promotion for the game, for example. I wish I was more of a one-man band, not having to rely on others to do artwork and programming, however; I know jack shit about that.

I posted a pseudo-ad on Facebook looking for artists, obviously culling my friends and their potential artistic ability. That said, the game is a long way from being published, however; I feel that this is something that can be made cheap, and bring in a lot of attention for it's simple and refreshing approach to an old genre. It's a horror game, but not gory. That's all I can say.

Anyways, potential artists on here, feel free to message me about doing some work for the game. I can't pay right now, but if money rolls in, of course, you'll receive payment then.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Why cartoons are my CNN ...

Growing up, I adored a handful of cartoons. They were GI Joe, Transformers, TMNT, and The Super Mario Brothers Super Show (starring Captain Lou Albano).

As I grew up, my tastes shifted more towards super-hero centric stuff. Spider-Man, X-Men, and the greatest cartoon ever created, Batman: The Animated Series. I never knew that I would eventually meet the creative forces behind the cartoon, around 20 years after the cartoon was created.

I guess I look at cartoons nowadays and wonder what kids are taking away from these shows. Anything not on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, or Disney seems very Japanese and boring to me. CN does an amazing job of creating material for both children and adults to enjoy. For example, Adventure Time, the best cartoon on the planet today. Honorable mentions go to Regular Show and Phineas And Ferb, two cartoons both for kids, but easily accessible by adults.

I think it's important to bring the entire family into the entertainment sphere. While I get that the latest Pixar movie is dazzling for children, but full of "meaningful" messages for adults, it shouldn't have to be that way. Parents should enjoy the entertainment their kids enjoy, regardless of it being "valuable" to that parent's agenda or not.

As a kid, I guess my love for animation was fueled by these two computer programs: X-Men Cartoon Maker and Spider-Man Cartoon Maker. These were impossibly fun to use in order to tell my own stories with those characters. I would usually pit Spider-Man against his deadliest foe, the Green Goblin (I believe I had to use Hobgoblin as a stand-in, because GG wasn't in the program). I think nowadays, I'd be embarrassed by these early "movies", but at the same time, slightly proud that I had an outlet for my creativity.

I wish more kids had outlets like that.

Monday, January 17, 2011

January Jones And Her Golden Globes!

I never found that January Jones chick to be attractive until I saw her on the Golden Globes last night.That said, she's supposed to be playing The White Queen in the new X-Men movie. She'll be pretty perfect.

And now ... JERRY RICE AND NITUS' DOG FOOTBALL! This game looks impossibly fun. I can't help but be excited about playing a fun football game starring pups.

Going back to the Golden Globes, I wasn't really surprised to see David Fincher win best director, which is an award he earned with Zodiac, but never received. I've never seen The Social Network, so I don't know if it'll win best picture, however; last year, Avatar won best picture at the Golden Globes, and The Hurt Locker won best picture at the Oscars. Two very different award shows.

These award shows are my Super Bowl. I don't care about sports as much as I used to. That makes me not manly in any way, though I do enjoy going to games and stuff like that. For example, the Jets are doing well in football. I don't care. Football bores me to tears.

Nevertheless, I love movies. This is my Super Bowl!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

You're cool, stay that way ...

My fiance is yapping in my ear while I write this.

Tonight, I plan to subject her to Band Of Brothers as my movie pick. It should be glorious! I have a suspicion that she'll like it. Anyone who doesn't is a commie or a Nazi.

She's reading recipes out of the new Weight Watchers book she bought today. Things that sound delicious.

"Jerk chicken looks gross." - Emily

"Jerk chicken is delicious." - Me. Followed by a swift slap to her face.

Part of that last bit was a joke. You decide which part.

I restarted another playthrough of Mass Effect the other day in anticipation of the new DLC that is going to drop soon. I'll be damned if, four years after release, I'm not still finding new things in that game that blow my mind to smithereens. I can't stop gushing about it.

Of course, this will be followed by a playthrough of its slightly superior sequel, Mass Effect 2. That trailer, by the way, is probably one of the greatest trailers to any piece of media you will ever see. Shame on you if you don't dedicate two minutes to watching it.

I was disappointed to see that Edge Magazine didn't rank "Decay" on its' list of the best XBOX Live Indie Games. I was really pissed about it, actually, mostly because I've been fortunate enough to work on the game along with the talented Swedish gentlemen at Shining Gate Software.

I guess I shouldn't be bothered. In the end, it's journalism and reviewing, and reviews aren't always going to be favorable. That said, the "Decay" series has remained steadily entrenched in the top 50 games, ratings-wise, as well as in popularity, for a long time. I should put more stock in actual gamers' opinions and ratings than in the journalistic hands of British game reviewers, whose opinions I value, though not to the extent of my fellow gamer.

*steps off soapbox, lights cigarette*

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I can't be in love if it's plastic!

My fiance and I (before having an epic and tear-inducing argument, my tears, not hers, she's made of metal like a Terminator) saw Black Swan today.



The film is directed by geek favorite Darren Aronofsky, former husband to the delicious Rachel Weisz. This guy at one point was going to turn Batman: Year One into a film, and was the visionary who wanted Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne and Batman. He also made the amazing and startlingly beautiful The Fountain, starring Hugh Jackman.

Black Swan, a movie more famous for the sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, is absolutely incredible. Do not believe the hype that this is a drama. It is an unabashed horror film from the first reel to the last. I haven't been so tense or terrified while watching a movie as I was while watching this. Natalie Portman, while outstanding as Nina, our lead, seems a bit old for the part, or maybe the script is painting her as too young? I don't know anything about ballerinas other than they're all apparently built like 12 year old boys.

That said, Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Vincent Cassel, and Barbara Hershey (star of The Entity, the ghost-rape movie I watched about a week ago) are all phenomenal. It's really unbelievable the things that happen in this film.

If Inception hadn't come out this year, Black Swan would be my number one movie of the year. Without a doubt.

That said, it's my second favorite.

I give Black Swan five out of five stars.

Friday, January 14, 2011

"I'm eating your cookies, bitch."

Quote:

Me. To my fiance' via text message.

It reminds me of Daniel Day-Awesome from There Will Be Blood (which sucked, by the way, get over it).

I'm listening to a podcast. My first podcast ever. Rebel FM's podcast to be exact. Mentioned by my Texas twin, Julian. I find myself getting more and more swept up in the "gaming scene" or whatever. The desire to do a podcast myself is unbearable at this point. it would be an extension of this blog, weekly, maybe monthly, but I'd need someone else with me, as my head would explode from chatting. As would everyone else's.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

In all seriousness ...

I play video games. A lot. I've worked on a video game. I'm currently working on a project I hope sees the light of day, as well. That said, I've never shot anyone with a gun.

I know plenty of people who play video games. Some of them are older, some of them younger. Some are a little weird. Some are your neighbors(!). Some of them may even be you.

That said, none of these people I know have killed anyone. Nor have they blamed video games for their violent outbursts. Or movies. Or music.

I write about this, though it's been days since this maniac was caught, in an effort to vent. In college, the whole "do video games cause violence" debate was still hot. In recent years, its seemingly gone away, but now, thanks to this douche, its back. Some lawyer in Florida, I believe, is already looking to blame video games for inspiring this psycho to kill all those people and attempt to take down a politician in Arizona.

Remember Columbine? Video games, Marilyn Manson, and movies were blamed for this, as well. The fact that the two nuts who committed the act played a simulated Columbine "Doom" mod on their computers didn't help. They used whatever computer know-how they had to create hallways and levels of their school in a video game. Wow. That must mean the game caused them to do it.

All that shows is they had tech know-how.

Not too long ago, Rockstar Games released Bully, one of my all-time favorite video games. A microcosm of the life of a high-school kid, filled with cliques, hot girls, and teenage mayhem. The game was branded a "Columbine Simulator" by the government,and was protested even after the company (known for generating controversy with their Grand Theft Auto titles) screened the game for politicians and pointed out a lack of guns, death, and violence altogether.

That didn't stop the limitation of the game's sales overseas, however.

In a country where every show on late night television is about death, shootings, violence, and sexual attacks, are video games really the chief cause of aggression in young adults?

As a gamer, who has been defending the artistic merit of video games since junior high, I say absolutely not. Games are no more to blame than films.

Remember Virginia Tech? The asshole who shot that place up was a fan of another one of my favorite pieces of art, Oldboy, even going so far as to ape the main character's iconic image:

Oldboy

Asshole Virginia Tech guy.

So I guess the general message we take from this correlation is that Oldboy, a movie about false-imprisonment and the revenge one man seeks after 15 years jailed for no reason led this maniac to shoot everyone at his college? Right.


People are so quick to blame anything over blaming the person in the mirror. Parents who pay no attention to their children who play Mature-rated games with sex and violence are more to blame than anyone else. Kids who sneak into R-rated films and are underage, who's fault is that? The theatre-owners.

It's not Hollywood or any other entertainment media's responsibility to police the content of their films. Do any of you know how strict the MPAA is? Why is violence less policed than nudity for some reason? What's wrong with the male or female form? Why is it so damaging for a young person to see two individuals, naked, having simulated sex, but its totally fine for a character to be pancaked by a pane of glass?

This debate is so bizarre to me. The ESRB and MPAA both exist to police entertainment that children and adults can enjoy. Parents who pay no attention to what their kids are doing are the villains here. Not the characters that child may want to emulate from the game or film they're watching.

I leave you all with this video. Fox News is already an established enemy, so this should surprise no one. But in this important video, on the topic of sexual intercourse in video games (another of my all-time favorite games, Mass Effect), we have champion of justice, Geoff Keighley defending one of the finest games ever produced against a panel of Fox News Retards. Enjoy!

Addendum:

I actually find myself sick to my stomach listening to these so-called Fox "experts" talk about Mass Effect. If people are so concerned with teenagers and young men learning negative female stereotypes, then why buy the game? Give your kid a Wii, condemn them to a life of boredom with a system that means nothing in the gaming landscape, and call it a day. You don't want your kid playing games or looking at material you find disturbing that could skew their vision of women, then don't buy those games. Take better care to learn about what your kid is doing. Do the policing yourself if you care.

Ugh, fuck Fox News. Fuck talking heads. Not the band Talking Heads, but the people on those shows.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Nuclear winter ...

There's a great Twilight Zone episode about a nuclear winter called "The Midnight Sun" that is about the fallout from a nuclear war between Russia and the United States plunging the country into a permanent state of winter. I always think of this episode when the snow is crazy high, as it is today.

At the same time, the roads are clear, so, was this a wasted day off for some people? Emily gets to catch up on Say Yes To The Dress, while I plug my headphones in and blast away at the keyboard.

I have a great deal that must be accomplished today. And wearing my Justice League pajama pants, I can accomplish this goal.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

And float down Grand street ...

Matt and Kim are magic.

When I was younger, first discovering my love of writing, I had a giddy, almost silly feeling every time I put pen or pencil to paper, or keystroke to digital page. Recently, I've had that same tingly feeling whenever I write. The inspiration has been coming from everywhere, movies I watch, cartoons, music, everywhere.

People are usually quick to talk about inspiration. I've always wondered where ideas came from (for example, how did anyone come up with "Transformers"?), and who it was that initially was insane enough to think outside of that box. I'm not insane enough to imagine my Sentra exploding into a thousand moving metal pieces and pulling out a blaster rifle to fight my fiance's little green Scion.

I have heroes. Idols. Whatever you wish to call them. Some are dead. Some are alive and well and living all over this beautiful planet of ours.

I'll list a few of them, and hopefully, some of you will check them out. Some are writers, some filmmakers, comedians, social commentary people, etc.


1) Bret Easton Ellis - Author. The reason I started writing.


2) Matt Berry - Comedian. Writer. Actor. Proper English gentleman.


3) Tim Heidecker - Comedian. Writer. Actor.


4) Dave Goyer - Screenwriter. Go-to comic book adapter. That picture is fairly homoerotic.


5) Spalding Gray - Writer, genius. No longer with us.


6) Steven Spielberg - The most powerful guy on this list. If you don't know what this dude's credentials are, seek immediate help.

I'd keep going, but this will end up being picture after picture of people, as there are so many influences I can think of. More comedians, filmmakers, the occasional musician. They all matter, in the end, as they have all created pieces of art that have influenced millions.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Fasting physical!

I have to fast for a physical tomorrow. That means no food after midnight (which is typically when we let it all hang out, after midnight, after midnight).

Yesterday was a Netflix holiday for me. I watched a total of three films, one of them being Emily's movie pick. She chose Moonlight Serenade, a movie with Amy Adams. Earlier in the day, I watched a terrifying ghost/demon movie entitled The Entity about a woman who is repeatedly, brutally raped by an unseen demon in her own home. It was basically Paranormal Activity twenty years or so earlier. Absolutely nightmarish.

There are a handful of movies that scare me so much to keep me up at night. The Exorcist, JFK, Clownhouse, and this one.

The last one I watched was Halo: Legends, based on the video game. It was awesome. A little too anime at points, and the films definitely played fast and loose with the timeline and history of the games, but the film, overall, is definitely worth watching. Especially for the more human-based tales like "Be Human".

In summation, unless you're a brave soul and can handle watching Barbara Hershey get raped repeatedly by an unseen force, I would avoid The Entity. Check out all the others, though, they work.

I'm going to be attempting some art today, in an effort to make a banner for this blog. If anyone has any artistic advice, feel free to chime in, or, if you're cool and want to make one yourself, by all means, go crazy.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Velvet Pants ...

I don't like wearing pants. I feel that this almost-instantly disqualifies me for any stale office job that could be offered to me. Granted, if one must wear pants, I'll do it, however; under protest.

I don't know where this change happened. Perhaps while vacationing in Florida with my fiance', where I came to the realization that I prefer my legs to breathe, to have room, and to not feel anything close to sweaty (minus the occasion of swamp ass). Swamp ass, for all the ladies out there, is when a man's ass, connected to his grundle-region (or taint, as is the common nomenclature), find themselves resembling something not dissimilar to the southern Louisiana marshes.

Every guy has had this happen to them, so if any guy reading this says "Nope, not me." They are a liar. A filthy, sweaty-grundled liar.

Pants are just something I can live without in my life, especially after my Calvin Kleins ripped during work one day. A $90 pair of jeans that felt like I was wearing a cloud. Gone. Turned into a bingo bag for my aunt. The most expensive bingo bag ever made.

I can honestly see myself wearing shorts at my wedding. And a tropical shirt. Something like that. Maybe not the tropical shirt. Maybe no shirt at all, like my hero Gibby from iCarly.

Every once in a while, I feel the need to read a comic book. Most of the time, it's not superhero related, but occasionally, it is. Lately, I've been devouring Charles Burns' "Black Hole", a story set in the 70's, about STDs that cause insane bodily mutations. Equal parts scary, sad, and beautiful, the comic is really something special, so, anyone looking for a great read without all those bothersome chapters and words getting in the way, pick this comic up off Amazon for twelve bucks, like me.

Alright. Pants and comics. I'm going to finish my delightful oatmeal now.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Where the streets are cleverly named ...

My kick-ass fiance recently started her own blog, all about wedding stuff. It's an interesting read, especially for those embarking down the road to matrimony, as we are.

The Road To Matrimony. That's a movie title, right there. Starring J. Lo and Owen Wilson or something.

This weekend is shaping up to be remarkably lazy. There is simply nothing on the docket for today, which is forcing me to raid FYE again, this time with Emily. My feeling is that we'll be aiming for Disney DVDs, ones for our future-spawn.

I also have a review for a movie that Jamie The Lawyer probably won't want to see.

Valhalla Rising


This was directed by one of my all-time filmmakers, Denmark's Nicolas Winding Refn, who made a film so beautifully brutal and majestic, filled with visual poetry, that it basically sealed my adoration of the director for the remainder of his or my life, depending on who goes first.

That movie was Bronson

The same adoration can be heaped upon Valhalla Rising, though, a portrait of life during the Crusades involving One-Eye, a slave/warrior embarking on a trip to "the Holy Land", which is really (spoiler) America, and finding himself in a true version of Hell, along with the child that has fed him and been his caretaker in his years as a slave.

I don't think I could watch another Crusades-era film and regard it the same as I do this one, simply because the level of brutality and insanity in this film most likely matches the level of brutality and insanity as the real time the film is set in. That last sentence was awkward.

Nevertheless, I am forced to give Valhalla Rising five out of five stars, as it's perfect. Brutal, unflinching, bloody perfect.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Burnin' bridges, shore to shore ...

Last night was the premier of "The Jersey Shore", our generation's "MASH". I don't fully get into the show as others do, however; I do appreciate how ridiculous these people are. Tanning one's flesh to the color and texture of leather, sleeping with as many people as humanly possible, and wearing clothes only hookers and color blind individuals would throw on are values that my generation seems to hold dear.

I find, while watching the show, that I start to give a shit about these characters. I wonder what they're like off-camera. I wonder if Vinny really does have a college degree. I wonder if Snooki is as batshit insane as she appears to be. I wonder what these people will look like in the future. Raisins?

I don't really get to watch a lot of television as it airs. I'm a big DVR guy. I like fast-forwarding through commercials, unless there's a movie trailer or video game ad I want to see. That said, "Jersey Shore", and anything with Gordon Ramsay are live-viewings. I don't know why. There's something about catching those shows live, knowing people in my circle have also seen them, and being able to talk about it the next day.

I remember talking about the old "X-Men" cartoon from the 90's with my friends that would air after school or Saturday mornings. I always wanted to be Cyclops. Everyone else wanted to be Wolverine or Gambit. To this day, I would prefer to be Cyclops over Wolverine, even though the latter got his own film, while the former was incinerated by his smoking-hot redhead girlfriend. This is movie continuity, mind you.

I like "Jersey Shore" because I like watching Jwoww (one w?) punch things. Sammi. Ron. Screech. Anyone, really. As long as that silicone amazon is throwing punches, I'm all in.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Pepper Burger ...

I've been listening to "Baker Street" by Gerry Raferty since he passed away. That song makes me want to be a detective in the 80's. I'd like to be a detective. Mostly to kick in doors and interrogate drug dealers, where I'd scream "Tell me what you know!" at the top of my lungs.

Speaking of lungs ...

I had McDonald's (how's that for a seque?) for lunch. My fiance' and I have been trying to lose weight, but every once in a while, I like to go bananas and tank myself. Today I noticed something though.

Sitting in my car in the drive-through of the McDonald's in Islip, I was suddenly seized by an impossible bout of claustrophobia. To my right, thick wooden bushes. To my left, a wooden divider. What if I suddenly went into labor and my only option was to drive myself to the hospital? What if I suddenly needed to escape the line to race off after a perp?

I got very panicky in that drive-through.

I got two chicken sammiches, for the price of one(!). I also got a McDouble for shits and giggles.

The burger tasted like pure pepper. As if while seasoning, the guy preparing the burger in the factory just hit the "more pepper" button too many times. I was disgusted. Of course, Morgan Spurlock turned me off to McDonald's once before, but hopefully, my mouthful of pepper will do the same, and make it last this time.

Here's a link to a great song by one of my favorite bands, Andrew Jackson Jihad.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Made In The USA ...

I went to the Chinese buffet in Patchogue with my father today and after eating too much sushi and cream cheese wontons, the waitress brought over the bill and two fortune cookies. My father's read something like "The road less traveled is the road most feared" or something like that.

Mine read: "Made in the USA"

I raised an eyebrow, confused. I showed it to my dad, who laughed.

Is there something to fortune cookie prophecy? I was born in America. Conceived in America, too, I imagine. I enjoy the colors red, white and blue. I also love hamburgers and hot dogs, as well as apple pie. All American things.

This got me thinking. What other American things do I enjoy?

1) James Quall

2) Gamestop

3) New York in the 70's.

4) Disney World

5) Baseball


I guess that's about it. Everything else is either Asian, European, or English.

Does that make me elitist? Cultured? I leave that up to you. In the meantime, here is a picture of a cat:

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Strapped to the wing with the engine running ...

Waking up early has always been something I would love to avoid, yet at the same time, I feel like I get a great deal done upon rising.

For example, I am up to date on my movie news. I am also up to date on job applications for jobs I can easily do, but won't be able to due to lack of 4 years of experience editing magazines.

I am also wearing a Snuggie.

Backwards.

Like a robe. Which is what it is, people, let's face it. My hands feel like they are literally made of ice, however; I am not made of ice. I'm made of a kind of warm meat-substance, I think, which makes my frosty hands all the more troubling.

Today is the raid on Blockbuster. Andre has his sword ready to go, and I have my axe at the ready.

Out of curiosity, just how many people click on the links in this blog? I'm curious, because I comb the internet for days finding the perfect clips (three second Google search) to insert here.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Last Chance Harvey ...

Every once in a while, I'll do a review on a film I recently caught, be it on Netflix (the greatest invention since antiseptics) or at the theatre (which does not happen nearly as often as I'd like it to).

Last night, my fiance and I had one of our typical trio of "Movie Nights", and it was her choice. After being disgusted by watching ten minutes of Precious, Emmy changed her choice to Last Chance Harvey, a movie I was shocked to see had a standard five-star rating on Netflix.

As it turns out, it is totally deserving of all five stars. Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thomspon (who is still stunningly beautiful) are fantastic in a simple, sweet, and laid-back story of love. I absolutely adored this film and would totally recommend it to anyone looking for something genuine, sweet, and full of beautiful English scenery.

I'd have to give it a five out of five, as well. Perfect love story without being too silly or overly sweet.

Today was supposed to be a hangout with my movie compatriot, Andre,where we planned on raiding a Blockbuster video store that was going out of business. I planned on gunning for XBOX 360 games and Blu-Rays. My car, however; had other plans in mind.

I hadn't driven my beautiful relatively new car in about a week until yesterday, when we jumped the battery. I could just blame the snowfall, but I won't, I'll throw in my laziness and just general lack of care, but yesterday, Daisy (my car's name) woke up, ran for a few minutes, and all seemed fine.

This morning, not so much. She won't start. I had to cancel my raiding party with Andre and put it off until tomorrow, which is tentative because if there's something wrong with the actual battery or starter or whatever, I'm screwed.

I love when a Blockbuster video closes. It's like a party to me. When Hollywood Video ate it a few years ago, and started closing stores up like crazy, Emily and I went on a binge right before seeing Kick-Ass, where I bought everything in the store, with the exception of Titanic and Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD.

I feel like a Viking when I enter the store in question. As if it's a town that's been set ablaze and everything is for the taking. Super Mario Brothers: The Movie on DVD for two bucks? Yes, please. Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia for five dollars? Absolutely.

It's like training, for me. Training for the day when Best Buy falls to bankruptcy. Something that may never happen, sure, but one can dream. All my hard work, raiding and preparing myself mentally for the downfall of my favorite store where brand new blu rays can be had for mere dollars. Andre and I could cut a swath through the store, with Emily by my side, my badass Viking princess, grabbing box sets of "Friends" and "Charmed".

That day will be glorious! Valhalla, indeed!

From Last Chance Harvey to Viking imagery in the span of a few paragraphs. That's a quick left turn into Crazy Town.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Future In Perfekto ...

I've always liked kids. I don't know if it has more to do with the fact that I can easily relate to the cool new toys they have, or the television shows they like, or to the movies they dig. I just don't know. What I do know is that when it comes to family gatherings, I get excited to hang out with the kids more than the adults. While this is not a reflection on the adults themselves, I just find the silliness and honesty of kids refreshing.

The holidays are a perfect example of this. My lovely fiance has a rather extended family, and their kids are a blast to hang out with. My cousins have kids, too, but they're a tad older, I believe. Nonetheless, they're still fun to hang out with and watch tear open presents and talk to about the cool stuff they enjoy.

I look forward to the day when my eventual wife and I have kids, spawning our own little versions of ourselves. I envision our kids as cool, listening to Interpol and Pomplamoose and reading Maurice Sendak and dancing like fools whenever they want, and wearing t-shirts that say "Rock and Roll" with sparkly things on them.

I don't know why I have this vision of my kids being so cool. I'm not so cool.

The one thing I worry about is not being able to talk to my kids. I curse a bit, and of course, I don't want my kids to have this habit, but one phone call between me and my buddy Paul would throw that out the window as the f bombs are plentiful between he and I.

I also envision a scene between my son (or daughter) and I where I, being in my thirties by this point, assuredly, with all my video games and toys (all antiquated by the time I hit thirty) stored away in my "man cave" or "office" as I'll call it to give it validity. Posters of my favorite movies and video games adorning the walls, I see my "office" as a place my kids will have no interest in hanging out in.

I remember Stephen King saying something like that in "On Writing" (the only King novel I've ever read, by the way, something I plan on changing in 2011), how his children never hung out in his office. I don't remember why that was, but they never did.

I see myself carrying a copy of "Monopoly" or "Chutes and Ladders" into the family room, and asking my son if he could disconnect from the neural net for a minute to talk to him.

Frustrated, he rolls his seven year old eyes and demands to know why I asked him to stop playing "Death War 3000" (the latest from EA games).

"Son, come, join me at the dining room table."

Sighing, he follows me to the dining room table, presses a button, and a Mountain Dew pops up, frosty and with a straw. He begins sipping loudly.

"We're going to play a game."

"You downloaded the latest patch for 'Death War'?" He asks, excitedly, his missing front tooth causing me to smile.

"Nope, we're going to play 'Chutes and Ladders'."

"Is that the latest IP from Valve Software?"

"No, son. It's a board game."

"How much is it on iTunes? I think I have like, sixty bucks leftover from Christmas ..." He says, whipping out his iPad, which has been permanently connected to his forearm and made smaller thanks to Apple's technological dominance during the First Techno Wars of 2016. All newborns are henceforth installed with an iPod monitoring their purchasing content and viewing streams.

"No, no, it's not on iTunes. It's here. Look." I say, unpacking the game.

My son watches, disgusted that I would propose we play a game made on cardboard with little plastic bits. Happy-faced children dancing up and down ladders and slides. Completely counter to "Death War 3000", a game he's been playing since the age of two when his neural net became fully upgraded.

"Dad ... don't be such a cyber-loser." He says, rising from the table, Mountain Dew in hand, the can sweating. He saunters back over to the couch, reconnects his neural net, and goes back to fragging an undeveloped country in the middle east with his friends.

I would sit at the table, and attempt to play "Chutes and Ladders" by myself. Maybe Emmy would want to play, who knows?

I just hope to bridge the gap between technology and family with my kids, as every year, kids get more plugged into the internet, losing what it is to be a person, in a sense. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't know, I'd like to instill a familial responsibility and love in my children in the ever-growing and deepening void of technology.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Let the wild rumpus start!

New Year's resolutions are something I've made in the past and have avoided in recent years, though this year, I will actively ensure that my resolution occurs. Last night, at a relaxed gathering with some friends, we all shared what our resolutions were. Some involved getting healthier, others were to become more worldly. One was to "f*** more shit up this year", which was my personal favorite.

Mine was to write more. Which is fairly simple, I guess, in theory, however; in practice, proves more difficult, as anyone looking to keep a New Year's resolution knows. In the past, I've vowed to lose weight, and have (sometimes). Other times, though, I just shrugged off my duties to the resolution gods and gave up a week or so after vowing to do whatever it was I promised I would abstain from doing.

I think a positive resolution (other than the desire to f*** more shit up) is to lose weight. I've struggled with weight loss my whole life, however; this year, I vow to not only write more, but to lose more weight. Balancing the two should be difficult, for as I write this, I'm devouring an entire chicken in a can.

A friend of mine, Chrissy, is a Zumba instructor, which is an interesting fusion of dance and fitness with a latin flair. Not Ric Flair, though, which would be awesome.

I, unfortunately, do not have the ability for something as intense as Zumba. Mostly out of fear for making myself look like a dipshit while doing maneuvers that other people make look effortless and cool. I've always been a fan of dancing, though, as a white guy, I am not predisposed to such rhythmic duties.

I'm more of a weight-lifting and stationary bike-type guy. Usually while blasting the "Rocky IV" soundtrack at full volume and pretending I'm gearing up to fight Ivan Drago. I can't imagine wearing one of my stained, ripped wife-beaters and walking into a colorful Zumba studio or whatever they are and dancing to Lady Gaga or Ke$ha, though both are artists I can easily listen to.

If there was fat guy Zumba, where dudes can blast Poison, Motley Crue, or Dionne Warwick and just go nuts, I'd be all for it.

C'est la vie. Zumba is neat. Any kind of exercise that works for someone is, which is nice. I have always found the stationary bike and weights route the way to go for me, personally, but those with the desire to shake their asses to Beyonce' should feel free to do so in studios, where classes are taught by Chrissy and fun people like her.

New Year's is weird. My mom makes "lucky beans", and for anyone who has tasted them, you know you're the most unlucky prick on Earth to be eating them. An interesting dilemma. Gaining luck through eating something so brutally disgusting.