Every day I scour the internet for writing jobs. Something. Anything that will help to pay the bills, for, mind you, I am an unemployed writer.
I'm actively seeking the following kind of job that may or may not exist:
Writed/Editor - Long Island Office
Requirements: Must know the words to "Baker Street" by Gerry Raferty, can recite every line of Ghostbusters, with proper inflection, must love David Fincher, must have a working knowledge of how the Flux Capacitor works ("It makes time travel possible ..." will suffice), must love animals, Bachelor's in English.
I've been writing every day for the various blogs and news sites I "work" for, but at the same time, I'm not really seeing any money, or, at least, I'm not seeing any money yet.
My fiance' laid down the law last night that if I don't get my shit together within four months, I may no longer have a fiance'.
Added pressure on top of pressure to lose weight (I've lost 24 or 25 pounds thus far, in about two weeks), bills, and pressure about moving into my future (potential) in-laws' apartment in their house, all makes me feel super-stressed and nervous and generally unsure about most things.
Except the fact that I can write. I write my ass off every day. For next to nothing. I have projects I know I'll see a payday from, but as of right now, I have nothing.
In the months to come, I may not even have a fiance'.
In all seriousness, this looks like a dream come true. I want a tower of sushi.
Look at this handsome chef. He's proud of his sushi art. If I was standing before him and this was presented to me, I would remove my monocle, smile, bow, and devour the entire plate.
So the other day, my future bride and I were at a local Best Buy, and in the parking lot, I noticed this. A fire extinguisher placed on the passenger side windshield area.
Is this a normal thing?
Peeking into the car, I noticed there were some wires and whatnot hanging out of the stereo area, possibly NOS? Then again, why would it be in the stereo area?
Suffice to say, should you or a loved one find yourselves in the passenger-side seat of this car, I would heartily recommend gripping tightly to the fire extinguisher, as this does not inspire confidence in not blowing up.
I haven't had much to write about these past few days, in that, my life has taken a dramatic turn down "Boredom Lane", which is where old ideas and hastily-put together projects go to die.
I've been working on various projects, writing a lot, and attempting to lose weight, which is always a struggle. I wonder if people have trouble gaining weight in the same way I have trouble losing it and keeping it off.
I've been listening to a lot of Maria Bamford, one of the funniest people on Earth. This has proven both inspiring and disheartening because I'll never be as funny as she is. Or at least, not in the same way.
I guess I just feel very down, or very negative, and it has a lot to do with the constant carrot in my face of "here it is, just take it" compared to the reality that the carrot is actually a shotgun aimed squarely at my nose.
I feel like this advice, courtesy of Advice Dog himself, is the way to act, basically, all day, lately:
In my wildest dreams, Mass Effect is a film I'd give anything to write, produce, and direct. Alongside Shenmue, this is a game that translates so well cinematically, it's almost too perfect.
I decided to geek out a bit and do a dream-cast list of people I'd like to see in this movie. Now, many of you will know who certain people are, and others will have no clue about some of them. At the same time, being a fan of the game series helps, as well as being a movie fan.
Without further ado, my fan-wank casting call for Mass Effect the movie:
Matthew Fox for Commander Shepard. He embodies the character perfectly, he's a fine actor, and he's just coming off a science fiction franchise on television ("Lost"). The guy is too good not to have another franchise to take over. Mass Effect could be that franchise.
Kaley Cuoco or Camilla Belle for Liara T'Soni. Liara would be one of the potential love interests for our hero, Shepard, and as you can see, she's lovely. Both of these ladies are attractive, one is older than the other, yet the younger (Belle) has more of a Liara vibe than Kaley, but Kaley is the better performer.
Brandon Keener as Garrus Vakarian, a heroic ally to Shepard who wants no more than to see the villain fall, any means necessary. Keener plays Garrus in the game, already, and considering this is obviously a prosthetic-heavy character on screen, Keener's voice is the important part of the performance.
Steve Barr, the voice actor for the in-game character of Urdnot Wrex, a warrior who fights with lethal abandon. Again, this could be a heavy prosthetic character, utilizing traditional puppet-work. It could also work as a fully CG character, which I wouldn't want, but, whatever, it'd probably be cheaper.
Another actor from the game, Liz Sroka, the vocal performer for Tali. Again, this is a costume-heavy performance, so there's no need to replace the actor. Tali would look amazing on-screen, as her outfit is quite detailed.
Steve Zahn for Kaiden Alenko, a powerful biotic (person who can utilize psychic abilities through military training) and human ally. Alenko has been called "plain, white bread" by many fans of the game, however; Zahn would be anything but, on-screen. The guy's funny, can bring physicality, and is a fine performer.
Greta Gerwig as Ashley Williams, the "space racist". Another potential love-interest for Fox's Shepard, Gerwig is a great actress who is poised to be huge. She's attractive, and with proper gun-training, can be as badass as Williams.
Patrick Wilson for the villain of the piece, Saren. The same species as Garrus, a Turian, and a complete monster, capable of committing horrifying acts of treason against the galactic community. Patrick Wilson just plain rocks and would be an amazing bad guy, when given the right character and material.
So that's basically it. A bunch of great actors and performers playing a bunch of great characters from an amazing video game franchise.
I wake up every night. Usually between 4-6 AM, sometimes because of the cat scratching in his litter box, but recently, I've just been waking up.
However, I find that I must use the facilities every single night.
Out of concern for my recent urinary development, I emailed myself the following statement:
"The worst thing about getting older is waking up to piss every night with regularity."
I realize of course that I should stop drinking sometime around seven in the evening, however; I simply never remember to do this. I also wonder how many people will find my trouble with having to wake up and pee an interesting read.
Surely I'm not the only person who has discovered that his bladder has taken on the properties of a 75 year old woman?
I see diapers in my future. Lots of 'em. Maybe I'll just wear them before bedtime. Who knows? I hate waking up and trucking across the room, across the hall, and going potty.
Below is a cover letter I recently wrote to apply for a job I'm very interested in. I don't know what came over me when I wrote this, however; this might be the finest cover letter in the history of cover letters.
I've removed the company's name and replaced it with my favorite kind of sandwich.
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Hello,
I can't help but get excited about this cover letter. It's not often that I get thrilled about writing these. Usually, one relies on the standard "Hello, this is information about myself" stuff, however; I feel the need to be myself here. I love the approach of bologna and cheese sandwich. I love the concept. I took a look at the site and knew that this is a place where my writing could be featured. I've attached some of my published works, including a semi-autobiographical tale of my attempt to pick up two women in a bar near Central Park.
I feel like I'm perfect for this position, in that my writing flows in a similar manner to some of the articles I took a look at. Very witty, funny, yet interesting at the same time.
I've been freelancing since graduating from college, and while I love the companies and bosses I work for, I would much prefer something a tad more steady. I'm engaged, and while traditionally, planning a wedding falls on the lady in the relationship, I 'd like to take the reigns a bit more.
I also have a blog I update every day, on top of the freelancing. It's just something I write for fun, to keep myself sharp when the gigs are dried up.
You mentioned in the ad that I should include a salary requirement. At my previous full-time job (with a local sports team), I was making $27,000, which was fine.
Bottom line, I would love to write for your site. I would love to wear a lot of hats. I own quite a few. I could always use a few more.
Even if it's a "No thank you", I hope to hear from you.
Thank you very much,
- Robert P. Ottone
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I truly hope to hear back. If they write back something funny, I'll post it here.
